on wounds....

I’m really not interested in going down in the basement and digging holes…..(which seems a good illustration for focus on past wounds). However, I firmly believe in the traveling influence of past emotional daggers. Our lives seem to leave a debris trail of emotional scars that make navigation of life difficult. We tend, unconsciously, to navigate around obstacles that have a familiar feeling of “having been there before”. Many years ago I experienced a broken marriage that produced much pain and regret. A decade was spent avoiding relationships with women due to the association of pain with the feminine. This is only a example of the type of wound that can influence relationships for extended periods of time.

I understand the concept of risk / reward, yet that truth can be overwhelmed by risk / punishment thinking. Humanity finds it much easier to hide from or avoid pain and settle for losing any potential reward that risk might bring. It is often easier to avoid relationships (and their joys) than take the risk of being hurt.

Since relationships carry risk, relationships are usually the most common culprit of pain. The more relationships one maintains, the larger the pool of potential wounding (and, yes, the more potential reward - however that is not the point of this writing). Since church is “relationships” there can be no greater landscape for wounding than ecclesia.

I was recently urged by the Lord to examine my internal wounds. With some exceptions, wounds that drive my life were overwhelmingly experienced in church. The ghosts of past broken relationships haunt my sub-conscience and alter relationships in present time. I am quick to admit that many of those broken relationships fall squarely on my shoulders. The compulsion to accomplish certain objectives often overrides wisdom and compassion. It is easy to look back and see where different decisions, kinder words, or greater understanding could have softened situations and altered outcomes.

The fear of future conflict immobilizes needed interaction and impedes my ability to operate in my design. At the heart level I am a non-conformist and reactionary. For whatever reasons, that design is at the core of who God made me to be. If I am to “get along” in Christian society then I must cool my jets, sit quietly, and be a good little boy. That course, however, takes the color out of life and leaves me empty. The picture that comes to mind is the Lion sitting caged in a zoo, far from his divine intent.

For the past 6 months I have not written articles, posted blogs, or pursued relationships. This was due, at least in part, to various adverse communications. I have withdrawn into a cave of obscurity and hid from Christiandom. As I attempt to emerge (and shield my eyes from the bright lights of reality) I accept that nothing has changed and the battle still rages. Do I have the heart to be enjoined in the battle? I see no other choice.....

mickey